June 9, 2008

What is a Human Bean?

Posted in Er what? tagged human bean at 2:43 am by riezawa

*Explain beaniness* <<This was the cue to remind me to write about beans. For this post the throes of blog post death were first constructed before its body was born. Meaning I wrote the end before I began.>>

(The following were taken from the Princeton Wordnet) -

Nut:

Noun

• S: (n) nut (usually large hard-shelled seed)
• S: (n) Nut (Egyptian goddess of the sky)
• S: (n) nut (a small (usually square or hexagonal) metal block with internal screw thread to be fitted onto a bolt)
• S: (n) en, nut (half the width of an em)
• S: (n) crackpot, crank, nut, nut case, fruitcake, screwball (a whimsically eccentric person)
• S: (n) addict, nut, freak, junkie, junky (someone who is so ardently devoted to something that it resembles an addiction) “a golf addict”; “a car nut”; “a bodybuilding freak”; “a news junkie”
• S: (n) testis, testicle, orchis, ball, ballock, bollock, nut, egg (one of the two male reproductive glands that produce spermatozoa and secrete androgens) “she kicked him in the balls and got away”

Verb

S: (v) nut (gather nuts)

Bean:

Noun

• S: (n) bean, edible bean (any of various edible seeds of plants of the family Leguminosae used for food)
• S: (n) bean (any of various seeds or fruits that are beans or resemble beans)
• S: (n) bean, bean plant (any of various leguminous plants grown for their edible seeds and pods)
• S: (n) attic, bean, bonce, noodle, noggin, dome (informal terms for a human head)

Verb

S: (v) bean (hit on the head, especially with a pitched baseball)

I wasn’t really going to talk about nuts but the definition is so amusing I’m leaving it there. Today the topic of out-depth study is beans. More specifically, human beans. If you don’t know your English, let me tell you that I’m mangling it right now. Don’t learn from me, otherwise you might pick up such otherlanguagey words like “otherlanguagey”, “makaning” and the quintessential Malaysian “lah “. There’s also such gems picked up from overScrabbling – “hi gl”, “thx” and the all time classic: “gg”. Not to be mistaken for real words like AA/EE/OO/AE/AI/AO/EA/IO/OI/OU and my preferred mind boggler, EUOI. Remember, capitalizing is for nerds. (I’m a Scrabble nerd for capitalizing Scrabble words and the word Scrabble. Meh.)

Back to topic. The titular question here asks: What is a human bean? Does it describe a human like a bean, or a bean like a human? Does it look like this?

Nope, unfortunately that’s not what a human bean is.

Let us first look at the qualities of a human. Actually, let’s not. Assuming you, the reader, are a human, I would be inclined to think that you have way more information than you really need about humans. So let us look at the qualities of beans instead.

A bean:

1) is full of nutrients.

2) is longer than it is wide. Or is it wider than it is long? Whatever.

3) is brown.

4) has got its head stuck in the ground.

5) is all about feeding itself.

6) is all about making more little beans.

7) looks the same as any other.

8 ) doesn’t bother with thinking, cos it ain’t got no brains.

And a human bean is precisely the same thing. Only (duh) human. They are the masses, the everybody, the public, the “they” who “say”. The human bean is everywhere and nowhere. The human bean is nature.

You might be wondering by now, “Why the lengthy exposition on the properties of an empty shell?”

You see, I’m not interested in legumes. All humans have potential. I bet that you, reading this article at this moment perhaps giving me the compliment of a guffaw or a smirk (I love smirks), are thinking, “Gosh, these beans are so sad. I’m sure glad I’m not a human bean.”

Nobody would think that way (… I certainly hope so). Nobody believes in his or her mediocrity. But look at the normal distribution. Everyone falls within the 100%, lost within the sea of six billion faces, floundering, pleading to be heard.

Unless you are Bill Gates.

So strive, my beany friend, strive. Remember that I, a fellow nut, am striving too. We all are.

Maybe we can succeed, if we keep off the carbohydrates.

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